Stolen Dreams

2009-10-19T17:02:00.002-05:00

How nieve can one person be? And yes, this does mean that I haven't died, been hit by a large moving vehicle, or been committed... yet. I might after today.

I just read my posts from the past and laughed. Nieve is the least of my current problem- the shattered illusion of life is the real kicker. Nothing predicted a year or more ago came true, in fact, it was almost like the world was trying to prove me wrong. The Academy was the best place for me... in the beginning, but then it morphed into something else entirely. My roommate situation ruined my life as I knew it and made me rethink my entire childhood. Go figure- the one thing I thought I wouldn't have to worry about. I was almost put on medicine for depression but that wasn't the best thing for me, I made the best friends of my life, and then I made the easiest decision of my life to leave them. Of yeah- and the little thing of Academic Dishonesty helped that along. Finally, as summer winded to a close, I had to enroll back in Troy, and just when I thought things were looking down: he called me.

When someone tells you not to do something from experience, they probably know what they're talking about. Rooming with my consuasor was the biggest mistake of my life but maybe the best thing I've ever done at the same time. As the year went on, our opinions began to polarize with the others; somehow we weren't relating or communicating how we wanted to. The room was always too hot for me and always too cold for her and we were both miserable. She also had later classes and was always sleeping when I was awake and vice versa, had different friends than I, and had an illegal pet in the room that I just wasn't thrilled about. Plus, she kept thousands of plants around and expected me to clean up after her and the pets. Between the crab and the trash that she never took out, the room stunk. When I tried to bring in an air freshener she said it made her sick, but she never said it to me just kept unplugging it and telling her parents until her mom threw a fit and our RC (Residential Counselor) threw us a roommate counseling session that was more awkward staring at her than each other. We didn't talk to each other, and it was then that I knew that we could never be friends again- especially when she said she was always afraid of me and feared for her life. I would've died for her at one point. That hurt. But then I started thinking... and I realized that as best friends we kinda sucked. Best friends are supposed to know every detail about you, but we didn't even know each other's birthdates, important other dates, favorite stuff, etc. Anything that other best friends should be able to say about the other- I couldn't say about her, and that's when I figured it was no big loss. Yeah, it hurt to think that nine years of friendship could mean nothing, but really... Life only goes on when you let it.

Because of the whole friendship-loss-betrayal thing, I really didn't have anyone to turn to. By this point I had only a handful of people to talk to since most people were closer to her than me, so I was back to square one. Half-way through second-semester, no one wanted to let me into their group. This was about the point that I fell into a sort of depression/comatose state where I didn't particularly care about what happened. I even don't really remember a lot of that time, just hating myself more than usual. That period of depression from my past was back on the forefront, ready to take me down. I remember Kayla taking my knives away and having to petition for them every time I wanted to cook with them, but that was about it other than self hatred. But eventually I pulled out of that crisis... to be pulled into another.

Academic Dishonesty sucks when you actually did it. When you loaded a study guide on your calculator two months before the final, forgot to delete said study guide, loaned the calculator out to a so-called friend, and then come back after break to find out that you've been accused of cheating on the final... yeah, it really sucks. No matter what anyone says, I'm still holding that my ex-best friend and roommate turned it in out of spite. So, even though I appealled, I was still failed in that lab. If I hadn't already made the decision, for the reason of girls revolting, second years leaving, and classes not applying to my intended major, I would have been kicked out. So, instead of getting the boot, I bowed out with honor and said my goodbyes.

And now I'm stuck back in Troy for one last year addicted once again to the boy I can't and shouldn't have. We cannot be. Honestly, the chance of high school relationships working out in the real world suck without having me in the equation, plus we both are planning on going to different colleges. Then why can't my raging hormones get that message? My mind has it; I can tell myself that every day for the next year, but it won't change anything. It probably would help if he'd stop calling, but I like talking to him. I fight not to call him... See how obcessed I am? It's, again, sick how much I depend on someone to be my friend. I do have Ana and Andrew and Kris, but I really have no one who would not talk to me for over a year and then magically reappear...

Topic change, please! So, I was accepted to Mizzou. Shocker, shocker... I'm now officially a Food Science major when I graduate, and when I graduate from Troy I'll have over 50 credits for college already. I should only have two years left, but Dr. Gruen won't send me the paper, so I have to steal one this weekend when I go. Right now, I only have $4,000 a year paid for, but I'm working on much more, hoping to get some good money and have at least half of yearly paid off so that I don't have to have too many loans. Oh well, a girl can dream.

So last, but certainly not least, I am one caress away from finishing my novel... Yes, I finished it almost a year ago, but it needed some editing and bolstering. Now, it is a totally different beast than it began my freshman year and I am proud of it. My novel talks about a lot of different things, serious and not, that are very exaggerated, but a representation of what I see and feel from the people around me. Somehow, it started out being bright and open, and now it has depth and meaning. Soon, I'm sending off for a proof copy that will look much like the one that I will someday hope to publish.

So, in light of a recent mental break, that is all I have to say. I've always had something rather witty to say here, but I'm just a bit empty right now. I have a future and a life but something is still missing. Trust no one, love no one, lose no one. That's the ticket.

2008-12-17T22:43:00.002-06:00

Uh... yeah... Oops? I really am not a good blog keeper, but this post will be a nice reprieve from the obvious. A lot has happened in the time that I have been silent.. Care to take a look?

Alright, object of excitement one: I passed my first semester at the Academy with a 3.0 GPA. I had some hard teacher, so I didn't do so well... but I do hope for a better next semester. I absolutely love the Academy life and I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. I live on a floor with at least thirty other girls and on a wing of eighteen others and an RC, and I still love living there. Over the past semester, we all have grown as a family, and it's a pleasant thought. Our RC wasn't the greatest at first, so we had to bond really quick to get by; instead of going to our beloved adult on wing, we learned to talk to each other and deal with our problems alone. However, when our RC finally managed to work out better with us and for us, she decided to quit and move out, leaving us with some new chick that we don't really know... Joy. Other than that, it's really fun to live with so many other people who are culturally and socially diverse- that's saying something considering I hate people... First off, there are the Koreans. Really, there are only a few on my floor, but one of the guys are hot... Maybe two. XD Anyway, the Academy is a great place to be and I'm glad I finally got there and stuck it out. I honestly don't even miss my family much because I've adjusted so well to life there... Vacation now is starting to suck because I miss the crazy girls that live with me and how much they make me feel like an acceptable person.

And speaking of a respectable person, I have my personal summary of myself. Joy, oh joy! I had my first meeting with a shrink, and it was... GREAT! I took this test of college adjustment at the beginning of the semester that's meant for eighteen year olds, and I just finally got my time with Dr. Bob. We went over my scores together, and surprising enough it fit me really well and I have an opportunity to get the help I really need... First he went over random things like Alcohol use and happiness (No use and decent happiness,) before he really got going. He talked about my maturity next. On the scale for older students, sixteen year olds should score in the bottom middle section or the very bottom, but I scored at the top of the scale. He told me, and no joke, that I apparently had to grow up fast because of life experiences that I learned from. No joke. He also said that I seemed to have family issues with my brother and the way I am viewed from my mom while also having underlying father issues dealing with abandonment from when I was little... Wow... Someone give him a prize- correct! He then followed it with saying that I was too mature for my own good, and that I was still only sixteen going on seventeen and I should act like it. When I left, he handed me anger management papers for my brother because he said from my answers I was seen as an authority figure and he would listen to me best along with a paper describing various self-esteem issues. He pointed out that I fit into the emotional perfectionist category, meaning that I don't think I should feel the things that I feel and I make myself feel inferior when I feel things and hide my true thoughts and emotions. Heavy, huh? Now he wants to see me a few times next semester.

Am I pathetic for wanting a hug from someone I'll never see again? Absence really does make the heart grow fonder, I guess. I miss him totally and completely and he's disappeared from the face of the planet... Remember last year when I talked about the one person who wanted me to suck it up and live for myself? He was my saving grace and he really liked me, but now he has disappeared- and now that I'm home, I miss him. A lot. I want him to smile at me, and tell me I still matter- and laugh with me, and have lunch with me, and exist with me. Pathetic, huh? I want him to hug me, because he is kind, nice, smart, funny, and t unbelievable sexy when he doesn't try. He's also borderline gay, but I want him to think of me and only me and like me. I want to be loved by someone... I want my friend back! I'm just going to call him or storm his house or something... I want to talk to him and find out if he's still alive even... He was still enrolled at Troy but he disappeared and never showed up for classes... He was depressed a lot last year and said his dad wasn't nice to him... He either moved in with another family member, dropped out of school, or killed himself- I pray it's not the last one, but I just want to know. I want closure. I want peace and happiness for both of us... Ugh...

And that's my dilemma. I wrote a note on Facebook at the beginning of the semester telling people of Troy that I was done with them and their hurtful ways, but I didn't really realize that maybe I really was cared about here. I got mauled when I came home by multiple old friends, so maybe life really wasn't so bad with them? I want to think I wasn't valued here to make leaving seem better, but was I just deluding myself? Maybe I needed to go away to see how much I was cared about... I am human, and I just want to be loved by more than my family. I want a boyfriend to tell me that I matter and that I'm not a loss for the world... I want someone to see me through my troubles as I help them through theirs. I want to be helpful t omore than just myself.

I finished my novel, so the mood brightens for that. Finally. I can complete something! I AM NOT THAT WORTHLESS! Maybe a little, but not too much. I hope to get lots of people to read it and then get it published in the next year while working on another book. However, I don't want to make anything else into crap, so I won't push it too hard. I want to get ahead in life- I just don't know how to do so.

Yep, I finally got another post in. Merry Christmas, Joyeux Noel. I'm making a good step to regain a sense of self, but it takes time. It takes work and people skills. It takes your whole self. I am just glad that I got a second chance to prove I exist... Trust no one, love no one, lose no one. Maybe it's finally started working?

2008-07-16T21:22:00.002-05:00

I have to write again. I feel so disjointed if I don't, and the emotional backlash is slowly killing me. I'm opening a new chapter in my life, but the old one won't stop haunting me. I have so much to learn, and I have so little time to do so.

First off, I made it into the Missouri Academy. So did my best friend in the world. As if her luck could get any worse, we're now roommates. I can hardly keep myself together unless I am alone and typing away my fears, so how will I keep such a darkness hidden if we live together? I've begun to have dark thoughts at night over topics I cannot elaborate on, but they haunt me more than anything else in the world. I rarely admit to a fear past a medical basis, but I am afraid that I'll scare everyone away next year. My teachers are all good teachers for next year, and my schedule is moderately okay. What I'm not looking forward to are the other kids there with me. I fear I won't connect with any of them like I do with the people at school. What if I'm hated the whole two years? Can I exist in solitude? It's not like I don't have practice.

I have not spoken to anyone from school besides Amanda and Alexis since May. I even see people at work and none speak to me. I saw another at Walmart just today and she barely managed a wave; she was one who said she would miss me. I doubt anyone will even remember I existed in time... I'm seriously considering cutting myself off completely and not caring the consequences. My only tie is the story I am missing and hoping to get back eventually, and after that, I will do what is best for everyone and surrender to my future.

I don't even know what I want to be anymore. I can't write to save my life, I'm not sure weither or not I want to be a pharmacist or a food scientist because both intrigue me. I love cooking, and I don't know what I'm going to do next year without it. Same goes for band. I can't join a band until the second semester, but can I go that long without playing? Choir I can join in the first place, but what if I need more? Why do I always need more? It's because I've never operated on my own before. I've always had people to help me stand. Won't this be an eye-opening experience?

I left a note on Facebook for my high school friends. One person asked me if I was okay and wondered if I was really cutting myself off from them. One. Pathetic, eh? Not really- I didn't expect anyone to. How could they? The ones I wrote it to should feel guilty and should stay away until they have reason to come closer. I don't want to hate them, I don't, but I just feel so different and out of place with them. I went to school to get my schedule and I ran into S and Ana. They didn't care that I wasn't there with them. They didn't care that they probably won't EVER see me again besides on graduation. But think about it? How many times have I left school as fast as possible to get to my car to drown in my music? Millions. Has anyone ever come over and asked if I was alright? Nope. DId I care? At first I did, but I got so numb that it didn't matter anymore. I got used to the pain that everyone caused me and I grew stronger. Troy Buchanan will always signify pain now when I walk through the doors, but I'm not lost anymore.

Troy helped me find that. But there are others ways to kill your soul besides dying on the inside... Trust no one, love no one, lose no one. I trusted so little, and I was still betrayed by all f the people I did, save one. I cannot love anyone when I do not see the worth of my own self. I have lost nothing I did not have to begin with except myself. Looks like the mantra worked.

2008-05-13T20:59:00.005-05:00

I can't handle another day in this house. Not one second. I got accepted at my program, though, and maybe after this summer I can finally be free. No one will be able to make me cry again... No one will have power over me like that! Never. The only place I feel safe at is at my job. More on all of that and a crappy choir concert to come.

Every day mom is getting more and more focused on my brother. Everything he does is great and super behaved- even when he acts like the biggest jerk. He leaves his towels in the middle of the bathroom we share. I put the towels in his room because I'm tired of picking up after him, and he has the nerve to throw the wet nasty towels into my room on top of my things that are more valuable than his life. Then, he yells and screams, while mom isn't home I might add, that I shouldn't put them in his room; I should leave them in the bathroom and tell him to do it. Did I mention that I told him twice before I actually moved them? My point exactly! On the couch as we were watching my absolute favorite show, Moonlight, he ran around screaming at the dog and being an idiot and I told mom to pause it. Somehow, that was a rude thing to say, so I was called something that I can't repeat. Lovely. So I said I was tired of living with him. No big- short, sweet, and to the point. He ran off crying and mom freaked out. He cries at everything I say, good or bad, so I didn't care. I didn't say anything I haven't said before. Then, she started pulling out the big loads of crap; she told me that I might as well not have ever gone to church because I was just so evil that it never stuck. I'm just the devil incarnate. Big self esteem booster there, eh? Can you feel the sarcasm? So I went to my room to avoid doing or saying something that I would regret. When I emerged, another melodrama came out. I put away all of my laundry and shirts are disappearing. My flute shirt, my HIM shirt, and my Paris shirt are all gone. She states, in her words, "Well then you'd better go and look for them in all the places you stuff things in your room, because if I find it first, it won't be pretty." Yeah, my room isn't the cleanest of places, but I have it SPOTLESS now. I told her that and she thought I was lying to her. I'm always a liar. Terrible, huh? Downstairs I went to avoid, again, doing something that I would regret, and here I am- posting it to more people who could care less if I lived or died.

Next item up for business: school. Or the lack there-of the public variety. So, I got accepted two weeks ago Thursday to the Missouri Academy of Science, Mathematics, and Computing. My dream program. I finish my last two years of high school while getting my Associate of Science degree. Good news: it's five and a half hours away from here. The best part: my consuasor and absolute best friend in the universe is going too. So now, with two weeks left of my public school year, I am detached from the people around me. So I've begun to notice more things going on. Things like the fact that S, not a real name but close of course, is just a jerk. She copies every bit of homework I have, tries to bum rides all the time, bums food and money from other people, and cheats at cards by throwing a hissy fit when she's about to lose or is wrong. I used to be her friend, but her bad side pulled ahead of the good side. Then my stalker is closing in more and more each day as well... He doesn't really say anything to me anymore, but he's still always there. When he does talk, it's about something stupid or telling me that I'm not fat. More on that part later.... More: X, love you hon but it has to be said, what are you going to do next year without someone to protect you and make sure you have a driving force NOT to fail classes? I mean, come on- History? Easiest class I have, and that's saying something! My lunch table is almost becoming unbearable- not because of you, X (Topic change...) At the Gold lunch table, Yellow and the other real guy at the table are in a fight right now because the other one is very homophobic and unfortunately that means he's against Yellow. The less annoying girl at the table is just angry because I work now, and so she's stopped talking to me unless she really needs something. The more annoying one- let's just say that will never change. Her and my first ex dated for a while, but she broke it off. Now they spend almost every school moment together and still she says they're just good friends.... Friends? Right, and I'm in love with the mayo sandwich at work! (For the record, I hate mayo...) The last boy-ish figure at the table isn't even worth looking at. He's just a retard who likes to knock people over. Gold lunch, last off, is also the day when this girl had a fit in line. I KNOW I didn't knock into anyone getting through the lines except for the boy I was aiming for. I KNOW 100% that I didn't; however, some freshman girl didn't think so. She comes up to me and pushes me and says, "Next time you run into someone, say excuse me!" I was shocked that someone even approached me in my black garb, but I did retaliate. I pushed her back and said, "Next time you push me- get a life." Not my best, but I'm not going to take crap. Purple lunches? Don't even get me started about them! X, again- needs to be said, is definitely the least liked at the table; okay, besides the intense hate coming from me for my stalker. She does nothing to stop this when she needs to stand up for herself. I don't take abuse and neither should she. I confess, I'm not very nice to her, but it's how I make her stronger. Now, she hardly flinches when people say things- the next step is to fight back. The random homophobe is at that lunch too, but he only causes trouble on weeks he's the most stressed. No problem with E and the twins, but my stalker is still doing the same things as before. Tiresome!

Sorry this one is just coming to light. This was written in May, but I never got around to posting it. My life hasn't really improved, there's just a little less drama in most of it. Read above this for more.

2008-02-22T02:08:00.001-06:00

Three days later and this isn't getting any easier. I have to cut myself off from the people at school before it gets ugly. I mean really, really ugly... I'll have to lay things out to you, but only a little. This stuff isn't even safe to be on my blog...

Number one- I have realized that without sleep I am crabby, crazy, and narcoleptic. Crabby- yes. There is a reason why I like driving to school. It makes me take time to myself to make sure I don't have to hurt anyone in the mornings... I can listen to my music and talk to myself all I want until I get to school- by then I'm calm and awake.

Crazy- unfortunately yes. Crazy for me is unable to manage my emotions. Yikes... My biggest problem are the emotions that I struggle to hide. Er- rather the ones that I try to hide but never actually manage to do so with. Crazy is as crazy does I suppose.... Narcoleptic. I haven't been able to sleep. That's how I became crazy- the lack of sleep is the lack of mental healing after the day. On an average day, everyone is bombarded by thoughts that they don't want to have and by annoying people who bother you enough. Headaches, backaches- mostly pains such as that are mental signs of stress. Your body then makes you sleep to heal the mental damage of each day. Insomniacs go crazy from the strain and lack of healing time. Enough said?

Secretly, I look to my advisor for everything. She is more confident in herself and stronger than I will ever be- I just look to ever having a fraction of what she holds in a natural way. Or so I thought. Maybe I'm putting her on a pedestal because I can't stand to see myself in a better light? It turns out- we all feel the same way. All of us try to hold it all in- never cry in front of people, never show signs of weakness. We cannot be weak. To be weak is to betray ourselves. That being said- we fake being strong and together. I'm starting to get that everyone is hurting inside- including the very people who are my support.

If I could ever tell them that they keep me going... No- I. Will. Not. Be. Weak. Never again. I look to one for strength. Another for courage. Another to be social. Yet another to be sane. While the last keeps me yearning for another day just by wanting to see him. The only thing I bring to the mix is my self-doubt and negativity. I am surrounded by tall skinny people while I am short and fat. Great. There is a reason I feel fat all the time. This is the only place that I can admit this because at school I am threatened and smacked for voicing my concern. We were eating dinner before pep band and the two people around me had fast food and I had the lowest calorie meal from Quiznos. All I could think of was how much of a porker I was to be stuffing my face in front of people. I want to be able to eat real food again, but I can never truely enjoy what I eat because I always think of the impact of cheating. This brings on my emotional eating habit and bam- the cycle continues until I'm the size of a planet.

Crazy takes on a new meaning in my life for the past few days. I had a dream that I was staring at my bedroom ceiling and I fell asleep on the bus to the pep band game without realizing that I had fallen asleep... I also can't get this one certain person out of my mind. I think about him constantly- though that could be because he's always around. I find myself looking forward to seeing him every day, but no one should have this much power over me... My craziest thought by far: I can't quit think about how sexy it is when he absentmindedly pushes his glasses back in place. I can always pick him out of a crowd, but we can never be. There will never be a "we". It's driving me mad being this close and not being able to manage myself! Taunting me with forbidden fruit. I've only told one person this because I told her that I couldn't even begin to imagine what he goes through at home. Sometimes, when I drop him off at his house, he ends up walking all the way around his house and I feel bad that he doesn't have a key or anything because it's cold! Cold- pep band last night was a very interesting thing. It was only 10 degrees outside, so I was naturally freezing. We get onto the bus home and his seat gets taken up by one of the drummers, so he decided to sit with me. What did I tell you? Taunting me! As I sat there shivering, he took his coat off and said that he was fine. I was so not going to have him sick because of me. No friggin way. I told him to put it back on. He said no. Finally I told him that he had to put his coat back on because he was making me colder to see him sitting there and he put his coat back on as he laughed at me. I think he was putting on a brave front in an attempt to look better in my eyes. He was obviously cold- and it must be a male ego thing- but he wouldn't admit it! Later he mumbled that he should've brought the blanket that he was going to bring so I could've used it. That was just so sweet.... I don't get it! Why would anyone be nice to me?

I mean nothing. I could die right now and no one would care that I was gone. Even if they did, I'd soon be forgotten in about a day or two... I'm really not that special. My hair sucks, I'm fat, have no work ethic, am an emotional eater, constantly depressed, fat face, no metabolism to speak of, gigantic feet, and no curves at all. I'm just a friggin blob... I'm not as good at the computer as Amanda, I can't code like my Iowa friend Michael, I can't make friends like Ana and Alexis, and I can't get a boyfriend like Shelby. I'm basically a failure at life. Wow.... Interesting comment of course since I'll most likely crack soon from the stress of my life and run screaming from the school building after realizing that no one cares about me and failing all of my classes because I'm not smart enough. They commit me, I take normal drugs like any crazie, and life is perfect for those around me. Some days I think that it would have been better for everyone involved if I had never moved here in the first place. Actually, most days I'm pretty sure of that. I wouldn't be pushing random guys past their comfort points, I wouldn't be causing female dissent through the girls, and I wouldn't be holding my best friend in the universe back. She could be so much more without me... Everyone could.

I'm tired of holding everyone back. I'm tired of feeling every negative emotion possible. I'm tired of looking forward to a guy that I'll never have. I like him for who he is- but he doesn't know who he is. He's completely nieve at how amazing he really is... He has no clue that he's driving me insane... I hide it well from him. Except for my new talent of blushing all the time in front of him.... I'm not embarrassed for thinking what I do- I blush because I don't want anyone to know how much power a single person has over me. I don't want anyone to know about this confusion because I have to be the rock for those around me. I can't really even support myself, but this takes focus away from the life I lead already... I wish he'd tell me how he feels about me- or at the very least let me know why he hangs around with me. What draws people to me? Why do they care or even seem to care? I hate their false affection. Their forced pity. Pity is for the weak and I will never be weak. Never.

So... I've now put just about every word of my social demise into this little box. The keys on my keyboard are warm from use, but that comforts me. Like the picture on my camera of all of us from pep band. He's in the picture too. Next to me: the very large planet-sized one... I am empty. I am worthless. I am useless. Can I run to my mantra again?

Trust no one. Love no one. Lose no one.

If that's true- then why am losing myself?

2008-02-18T11:35:00.002-06:00

Everytime life gets hard, I run back to my blog friend and my notebook. I need the strength and power that writing my feelings down will give me. I hate Valentine's Day, so my week sucked.

V-Day brings about the best and worst in guys and girls. I celebrate Singles Awareness Day because I've never really had a real boyfriend. Valentine's Day is the most masochistic and depressing holiday for all involved. Couples are forced to spend money and time on each other while the singles sit at home wondering what it would be like to be treasured by someone else. It's depressing to sit alone and unloved. All the guys around me are taken, out-of-reach, or gay anyway, so I really have no hope.

I'm tired of putting on a facade every morning to rush to school and die more inside. I feel like no one gets me except my consuasor, and I know that isn't true. Two of my friends are depressed and another is hiding it. One is the person that I worry about all the time, but more about him later. The other two shouldn't be depressed, but that hasn't stopped them. The one is depressed because the other stopped being friends with her and she doesn't know how to act. Her friends are all coming to her for problems now, and she can't handle them like I've learned to work with them. it's too much stress and she's starting to crack. The other is most likely depressed because the other girl told her that she wasn't going to be friends with her. She hides is, but I can mostly feel the pain and hurt from all of them.

The first is a boy that I'm worried about all the time. He skipped school on Friday for an unknown reason, to us of course, and it made me a little anxious all day. The night before he was fine because I took him home after band, but then he didn't come to school and it worried me- did he do something stupid? Did something happen? I won't admit it to anyone, but he's the one person I almost look to for comfort. I got a "C" on a Geometry test, and he's the one person who would have told me that it was okay. he wasn't there, so he couldn't. That made me more anxious and I couldn't sit still for the entire hour after lunch. It bothers me that one person can have such an effect on me.

Anyway, I don't think I'll ever be able to do get into the MA, much less succeed enough to stay in it... I'm not even smart enough to write the essays- there's no way that I'd be able to get a high enough score to stay in the program. They said this weekend that it was harder to stay in the program than to get in it- I can't even write the stuff to get into it. On top of that, I have to take a College Algebra class because my math PLAN score isn't high enough, but I can't even make it through the Geometry class that I'm taking now. I can't do this! I can't even imagine finishing these essays anytime soon because every time I start working on it all of the words that I want to say are gone. I can't write something that has this much bearing in my life in five minutes... Nothing sounds good enough to work, so I'm not getting enough done. Mom's going to kill me for not being able to do it- but I just can't...

I wish I was born a slacker. Then it wouldn't matter that I couldn't get into a smart program and that I got a "C" on a test. I wouldn't beat myself up all the time for not being good enough at doing anything because I wouldn't know any different. I'm not bright at all- I really can't do this anymore. Maybe I'm not smart enough for this program... I have to do it, but it's just not a realistic goal anymore... Neither is living like this.

I don't know what to do. My heart and my head are all mixed up and there's nothing that I can do to fix it. I've become lost because I haven't followed my mantra very well. I let too many people get to me... Trust no one, love no one, lose no one. Yeah- if only, if only...

2008-01-31T16:03:00.000-06:00

It's been a very unique few weeks here at home. I'm writing during an early out due to snow, so it may be a little more interesting than before... Let's see: I'm ranting about bipolar friends, odd guys, and inner faults. I really need to write a mental disclaimer or something to tack to my forehead!

Bipolar friends. Do you have one? They're really fun when they're in a great mood, but the drop of a pin they just get cranky. The ever-lovable X is one of those people I just mentioned. She speaking to me again, but I'm not sure why... I never explained the situation to her, and she never apoligized; however, all has supposedly been forgotten. It bugs the living daylight out of me. Secretly, all of my friends can go to hell because I can't stand anyone except myself. And even that's on a day-to-day basis...

I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. The guys at school are driving me insane. I've been talking to this one guy a lot at school who might be going to the Academy next year with me, and he always wants to talk to me to arrange stuff and to talk about our weekends. I think I only see him as a friend- but I can't decide if it's the same for him... The other guy is just as bad! Some days he's always THERE the second you turn around. He always talks to me and walks with me to classes. He'll smile at me and wish me luck in class, while fighting to sit behind me in another class. Other days he'll sort-of ignore me like not walking to classes or wanting to talk to me. He's not sure of his sexuality, so does he like me most days and then like another boy the other ones? I told you that the guys I know are crazy. When the second one smiles, he's actually kind-of sweet. He's the one that I'm worried about too because he told me in a note that he's too afraid to kill himself, but he thinks about it sometimes. Come to think of it- he's an inner cutter too. We would make a great pair... Wow... I worry for him- unlike me who knows that I'm just a big talker and no serious threats to my life, but he might go all they way....

That leads me to my next point. Myself. I'm sick- been sick all week- so I haven't had much energy to hate myself. Today, I took a Dayquil and felt well enough to talk myself down. This resulted in my consuasor threatening to smack me so I dodged her. Boy two from above caught up with me and talked to me until he had to go to class- leaving with his sad smile. Back to the stuff above- Last year I met someone at school who really helped me to rethink my life and find a real reason to go on everyday. He was relatively emo, but he was open with everyone and talked to everyone. At one point he said I was too quiet, so he sang to me with a surprisingly awesome voice. After, he told me to give him a hug and that he would kiss me but he was engaged. Later in the year, his fiancee broke up with him and he made sure that he didn't cry in front of anyone except for the guys in choir. Basically, he showed me that life is only good if you're in it. Someone has to be that person for my friend. I don't know if I can, but he needs to see that simple truth. I want to give him a hug and let him sob it out or know that someone out there cares. It's the same thing that I would offer to each of my friends if they would only take it up with me. He needs it more than anyone else right now.

I'm worried about another person. It's weird to say that, but I think about this a lot. I want to save someone because I want to give back to the person who saved me. This is the closest I can get to repaying the kind soul. He graduated last year. Now if I could only live with myself...

2008-01-14T19:11:00.000-06:00

Been an interesting month. Most of mine are, but this one is the weirdest by far. Realized two things: my friends really do trust me to solve their problems, and that I really need to leave this place more than ever before.

For the first one: this has caused me enormous trouble in just the past two weeks. First, one friend, I'm calling her E, was crying so I ask her why and she says that the other girl, who I'm calling X, is talking bad about her and blaming her life problems on her. I ask the other girl for her side of it, and all she tells me is that I always give E my support and that I never listen to her side of it. Never said that I wouldn't hear her out- I would have more respect for her if she came to me and told me how she thinks it all went down, but no- of course she won't. X skips school because she missed her bus; and, though I know it's none of my business and it wasn't then either, I told her that if she missed school she couldn't be at band that night. She told me to f-off. Later, she came into the room and told E that she's the one spreading things about her and that if we wanted to play dumb we could all just f-ing go away; she shouts, "f-you," and then storms out of the band room in tears. Secretly, I'd already formed a boycott of her, but if she would have asked me about it like a person I would have either disbanded it or changed it to whoever needed the hate next. Nope, X harrasses a few of the boycott pushovers and goes home crying thinking that no one likes her. If she would talk to us we never would have had the problem in the first place. Now she's randomly moving, but she's still here acting all pissy... Again, we could work things out, but I'm officially washing my hands of this particular thing as I type- though not literally because that might short circuit my keyboard.

My second thing for the first realization, might I say even bigger, people have been telling me left and right that they aren't straight. None of the guys around me are straight! One of my close guy friends dropped me a note saying that he's confused about his orientation. Wonderful. Just what I wanted to go to sleep to- that thought bouncing in my head. Thanks, dude! Isn't everyone at this age confused? I'm called a lesbian daily, some joking and some not, but I'm not really that confused. When I think of someone who's hot- I don't see my best female friend- I see Kaname from Vampire Knight or even Merrick from my story. Now he's hot because I made him and deemed him hot... Orlando Bloom follows VERY close behind. Anyway, why does everyone think to tell me? Do they just trust me that much? Do they value my advice? My life is obviously so good that I didn't even know it? Right- and I'm the crazy one. What do I tell him? I told him never to try being something that he's not. Just because someone says you're gay or a lesbian doesn't make you one. I can hate the male gender for weeks, but that doesn't make me want to kiss girls. It just doesn't. I just stay away from the pathetic excuses of lifeforms until one impresses me enough to return to a more human way of life. It's not like I have any experience either- have they all seen my previous exes?

As for getting away, I just know that I'm at my wit's end to get away from here. College. I can leave the house and be with my consuasor in a room where she can calm me down and help me feel needed somewhere. My dad is my closest parent because he treats me like a real person. My mom lets my brother lay around all the time and not do anything, but dad makes sure that everyone does the same amount of work. My brother has ADHD, so it's all 'well your brother can't help acting the way he does and you should be thanking the stars that you don't have to deal with that." Should I tell my mom that some times I wish on my lucky stars that I did have that so wouldn't have to run this house all the time? Nope- I get pissy and I get smacked. He get's pissy and he gets 'a milkshake to raise his blood sugar.' I hate myself for a moment in front of my family, and I get smacked. He acts down on himself and gets a better bipolar medicine that he doesn't take even though it would help him. If I had a chance not to be like this, I would take it! I wouldn't toss the pills like they were trash- maybe I'd be able to function better on a daily basis. I can't even be myself at home. I take long showers just so I can turn the water on to cover up the sound of crying. I can't cry in front of my family because that makes me weak- what if that just means that I have feelings too? I reach for food as a comfort, so I'm fat because I take all these feelings in and I never get a chance to release them. In college, I can warn my friend that I'm feeling terrible and she'll understand or leave the room so I don't have to cry in the cover of darkness. My dad knows that the decision for my brother to live with him is up for grabs as long as he agrees, so he's trying to talk to him all the time and bribe him into staying with him. He's talked to him so much that he's forgotten all about me. I miss him so much, and he doesn't even care a bit that my big 16th is coming up soon and I'd like him to come here for it. I don't want anything from him except for him to come and see me for my birthday. Nope- too much to ask...

I still don't feel like I belong. Everyone has this bright cheery face that they put on everyday, but it's not even a mask. That's them- genuine happiness and love. I've never had anyone to love, not really. I know that someone is out there for me and you usually find your true love in college, but what if I'm destined for someone in my school but they don't even know me. There's a lot of what-ifs going around, but what if I really am not meant to be with anyone? What if my true destiny is to live in a house with my friend, both of us single, and have millions of cats running around? What if I never succeed in doing anything in my life and I live a failure? What if that's my destiny? What if?

I haven't mentioned this yet- at least I'm pretty sure that I haven't. I was invited to apply for the Missouri Academy of Math, Science, and Computers. This is a two year pre-college program to get your Associate of Sciences degree along with your high school diploma. It's for students who are always bored in class and aren't challenged enough in their home school setting. You live at this school that is five blissful hours away from my home and you can choose the person you live with. Four or five people from school are applying and four of us will definitely get in. If I get in this will be a godsend to get me away from the people at school adn the drama at home. I can ignore phone calls all I want and no one can stop me... To bad no one would care.

I'm done ranting for tonight- I do feel a lot better, so I'm glad that I took a visit to my blog buddy. Thanks for, uh, listening... X, this post was not to slam you but merely to make you think of things on my side without actually having to speak to you. Sorry if this just makes it worse, but you were the one who wanted to know me better. Bye.

2007-12-19T23:28:00.000-06:00

Sorry it's been a little while again... For the past few weeks I have struggled to make sense of the emotions that I am suddenly feeling. Can you believe it? I actually feel again, and it hurts so much... He broke up with me four days after we started to really talk and act like a couple, so I've been a little lost.

I'm okay with people for taking opportunities away from me or deciding that they hate me because of something that they think, but I can deal with it when it's my fault that I lose it. Yes, the breakup was partially not my fault, but I still feel terrible for it. His fault: He's only straight when he's sober, and that isn't very often. My fault: I couldn't be enough of a person for him to feel anything towards me for the time that he was sober. It's enough to make anyone doubt themself.

So now I'm alone and totally unlovable. I can't stay manic for more than ten minutes anymore, and my friends are starting to notice. I have to be stronger than this! If I'm not who and what they think of me as- I can't think about the consequences of that... I consoled two people this week, but it was very hard. I couldn't even feel the remorse that they needed from me, but I faked it enough to make them feel better. I wish I could let these feelings out that build-up in my head and actually have someone that truely values all of me to comfort me. I'm not enough of a feeling person anymore to have a boyfriend, and I'm not special.

I have two redeeming qualities: I'm pretty smart academically, and I can sing. That is the only reason that anyone from the male gender even speaks to me for- they either want my help or they tell me that I can sing well and need to be louder for the concert that they are in as well. Nothing else. No one's alterior motive is just to be close to me or to show that they really care for me. No one. I feel lost every second that I walk through the hallways alone and see every couple kissing or jugging because they are happy. I will never have that!

My carefully kept journal has taught me many things about myself because I could not moderate the very words that flew from my mind and onto that page. Everything happens for a reason, so I'm making a summary of what November helped me to find out about life: I have learned that you have to love yourself to even dream about loving another- there is no love at first sight. I realized that you must be more careful and less trusting of those that you call your friends because everyone will betray you eventually. I've decided that I'll be fat forever, and all the dieting in the world is not going to change that fact- I'll feel awkward about that for the rest of my life. Having feelings and emotions does not help you, in fact, it only hurts you in the end when you can feel only pain from others. When an energy drink equals an anti-depressant, there will not be very good end results from it... Enough said there... All I bring to the world is hatred and despair because the little things that are seen from me do not bring happiness- not anymore. When you become numb, the pain will come back even worse and tear your heart apart. I deserve nothing from my life that has been given to me, nothing is ever given freely, and no one ever sees that special light in someone forever- it all wears off in the infatuation. Pay more attention to your friends because they always know what their talking about... Seriously! One of mine can predict the sexual preferences of guys- Creepy! There are two kinds of cutters: One that is outer and one that is inner- and even if you don't cut your skin, you're still a cutter if you cut away your insides to see if you still can feel pain other than someone else's.

I really am trying to like myself- but I don't see the redeeming qualities... Why do any of my friends hang around me? How can they expect me to help them with their problems if I can't sort out my own? Why can't I sort out my own problems? Supposedly everyone around me thinks that this guy likes me whos in several of my classes and at both lunches. If that's true- why? What can he possibly see in me? And the biggest question of all- if he's masquerading in some of my dreams at night, do I like him or not? Maybe I do, but I don't know why except for the fact that he's nice to me and worries about me more than I do. He's seen me be like this, and I think that he really sees through the facade that I put up for most of my friends... He knows how I feel, and he tries to make me feel better. I'm just so friggin confused about all of this, and I don't know if I have enough of me left to give to someone else. I am a monster, quite literally, I can just hide it better. This really isn't going to work...

So, yeah... If you were looking for an uplifting post- Sorry, I don't do those. If you're really actually reading this- yes, I know the spammers are at least viewing this- then you may actually need more help than I do... Hope you have a great rest of the week, and I'll try to post again on Saturday. Bye!

2007-11-20T19:10:00.000-06:00

I, uh, guess we're dating now? He didn't speak a word to me today, but I don't think he ever saw me... I went to talk to Allie and ask about my story, and his sister is in her first hour class, so she talked to me while I was talking to Allie. She asked if we were dating, and I told her that I hadn't talked to him yet- but I thought so. He told her that we were dating, so my day started out alright.

I obviously haven't been eating enough, so I've been lightheaded all day. Being dizzy all day makes you start to hate yourself, but not today. I was actually nice to myself all day because I've realized that for the first time since the end of third grade- I belonged somewhere. I belonged with someone.

I guess what I mean to say is that I can adore him from a distance because I don't have his phone number, and I know that he won't call me this weekend. You know what? I think I can handle it now too... I have time to restrain myself, and I know that for all purposes right now I have nothing really to worry about... I'm safe- I belong. I am at peace with myself for right now.

2007-11-19T18:37:00.000-06:00

I must be the world's worst avoider... I went to school this morning with the intention of ignoring my crush, but the second I passed him I was given a note. A note! He wrote me a poem... and asked me out at the same time.

I really like him, but I don't like myself eough. I almost passed out this morning because I was hyperventailating over this- I even saw the black spots in front of my vision when I stood up in class. I can't believe that someone like him could like someone like me- I don't deserve him. I love him. Love? That's a deep word, but it's how I feel...

At musical this weekend, Beauty and the Beast of course, the girls all decided that there's no truth behind love at first sight. You don't see someone and love them- that's infatuation. You can only love a person when you know their quirks, thoughts, and hates... When you can think about them and know them for more than appearance, then you have love. I have talked to him, and so I really do know him. I love him? I love him.

It's high school, and I'm leaving next year, so I have too high of expectations for this relationship- don't I? I really hope that this'll work, and we have so much in common... If he'd stop avoiding me like the plague, then I'd be happy... I'm trying to like myself this week so I can see why he likes me. I'm going to work really hard to be the best me that I can be, and I'm going to try hard to be what he deserves... He doesn't deserve me, but I'm going to work hard enough to get close.

2007-11-14T15:29:00.000-06:00

This week has been the worst week I think that I've ever suffered through. Last week did come in second, though, when I told the guy I liked- well, that I liked him. That was Wednesday of last week, and he hasn't talk to me since except to say random things like we were doing before. It's what I don't see and what he doesn't tell me that makes it terrible news.

I hate myself, and those who've read the stuff I've always posted already know that. Fortunately, he likes me back- but why? I can't even find a reason to like myself, so how can he? He won't tell me how he feels because he likes me enough to want to be friends longer than the relationship would possibly last. We haven't been talking like friends lately- I haven't really spoken to him since Wednesday, and that wasn't very long. I want to have long conversations with him like I used to in summer school. I want him to be more than just my friend. I need someone to tell me that there's a reason to go to school tomorrow- to wake up and walk into the school.

Our friendship can't last much longer anyway. I may be going to a college program next year in a school five hours away, and I know that everyone that I'm friends with will find other people to talk to and forget all about me. Even him- especially if you like someone. To love someone you have to let them go... I just can't stop seeing his face dancing behind my eyelids... I wish he would ask me out. I would say yes, anytime and anywhere. I love him.

2007-10-07T14:59:00.000-05:00

Hello once again- I seem to have gotten into the habit of going six months before I post again, but I will try my hardest to post most everyday now... Anyway, if you read my post from last Christmas I got an Ipod from my father and a new flute from my mother which made the problem disappear...

As for this season, I absolutely LOVE halloween! I am a darker person- I'll admit it! I like a holiday founded around the darker side of life because I think that darker ideals of life work for me. Pain and suffering is as normal for me as tickling and laughing so why not enjoy the time of the year that fits with that... I'm going to be a vimpiress for a club halloween party too... Long live the takers of life and the immortal bringers of blood... Mwa ha ha!

So with this post I break all ties that I have with sanity and start a new chapter in a cold and cruel living enviornment. Yeah, yeah- I'll explain it since I really have stepped off the deep end of the proverbial shallow pool... I am emotionally strong person- repeat that and you've found my mantra for the past few days. I've been watching this guy at school who, I'm sure, doesn't even know I exist beyond being some-what friends with him. I've heard that he's been telling this girl who is vocal about being my friend that he's looking for a girlfriend and she and other girls have said that we would be the perfect couple... Sounds like bliss, right? Wrong...

I've determined that you have to like your self before you can love another and that takes me off the list completely! I hate the way I'm socially akward around people, can't seem to say the right things, and can't be that confident about myself even when I know that I'm not hideously ugly- I just always feel like everyone is so much prettier, nicer, saner than I am and that there's no way that anyone would want to spend a little time with me, much less spend a lifetime. So you're thinking- wow, is she fishing for compliments? No, that's exactly my problem. When someone compliments me I immediately think about any hidden agendas that would need to suck up to me... Or people are just blatently lying to me to make me feel better. Both of which piss me off...

I guess that I should go now and strive to update sometime at the end of the week... If you know me and say anything about my post- I may break down and hurt you... Totally serious... And the medical advice I told you to seek- most of that would tell you that I: 1. Don't think highly about myself, or 2. Don't think very highly of you........ Hmmmmm.......

2006-12-22T22:57:00.000-06:00

Well then, I've really found out a bunch during those many months that I have been a bad person who hasn't updated a thing. My first semester as a freshman was entirely too easy for me and I realize that I shouldn't have worried about it. If that was all, I'd gladly perch myself high indeed and eat fruit from a platter.

Too bad little things like a very high suspicion that I'm bipolar along with a new stupid dog have interrupted that wonderful lifestyle. My brother got a new dog recently that we have named Joey. I hate dogs and I am a cat person. Cats take care of themselves and self-amuze themselves, they also don't pee and poop on the rugs in the house; like I said, I hate dogs.
I have realized during this time, that my friends see me as a leader and they always come to me when they need help. Now you may think to yourselves: Wow- she's conceited! But I don't steal the show being a leader. I stick up for friends and people can count on me if they need someone to depend on or save them from anyone, they told me that I wasn't overbearing which makes me quite happy to think that my friends value me. Someone has to... (See! There's that bipolar attitude!)

This post is going to be long, so I'm sorry that you have to listen to me rant and talk; though it's pretty well your fault that you're reading this since I'm not holding you in front of the computer by gunpoint. (Though that may be fun in the long run...) I've decided to write things for my local literary magazine and some of them are songs. A wrote a poem recently that was a little dark and showed a needy side to me and no one even guessed that I was the one who wrote it. I'm a member of the committee called Lit. Guild who reads all of the submissions and we vote on them. I wonder how they'll react when they realize that the upbeat person that they ignore really has a vulnerable side that no one ever sees...

Since the Christmas season is coming up, I feel that I should address one of my last issues... I have reason to believe that I am getting an IPod or a new Flute for Christmas from my mother and I'm 100% sure that I'm getting an IPod from dad. My parents no longer speak to each other unless they absolutely have to, so if I get one from both: who's do I keep to use and who's do I return? Also, I got a savings account summary. I always open them and usually have like $.50 for the entire month in interest. My most recent one, my mother wouldn't let me open. I was curious until I x-rayed the envelope to a point that I could read the page inside. I started with $600 in my account and she took $300 out of it. What did she do with the $300 that she took out? I'll post when I find out myself...

That's about all I have to say at this make-up post at the end of 2006. Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, and Joyeux Noel to all! Spend Christmas with your families, medical help is too hard to find this close to Christmas... Goodbye my strange readers!

2006-07-28T08:42:00.000-05:00

Hello. Today, I just feel like writing... I guess... So, here's some stuff to think about.

My family is wicked stressing me out because it seems like we're all falling apart. What was once a happy divorce has seemingly turned bitter and it's all my brother's fault. Dad will never trust mom again seemingly and vice versa- all because of my brother. Plus, I really am hating myself right now. My toe is now infected and I refuse to get it looked at because I am a coward. Also, my fitness plan has failed and I am gaining weight now instead of losing it.

Whatever your problems, I guarantee that I have more. So, thanks for listening, er- reading. Bye!

2006-07-23T07:18:00.000-05:00

Hello again! I've finally ventured back to this place and it's nice to be back. This is just a brief message from Connecticut saying that I'm still alive to those who care, (very few...)

Well, there's nothing else much to say here... I'll try to post again before I head back to Missouri. Bye!

2006-02-08T21:07:00.000-06:00

I was a bit more faithful today with this account. Can't you tell? LOL... Well anyways, the rpg site is finally operational without members. If you're a person and would like to sign up the link is on the nav bar- just click on forums and check them out. Thanks again for listening! Bye!

2006-02-07T19:22:00.000-06:00

Sorry I missed two days of posting. I'll make it up next week with two pieces of scripture on Sunday and two random bits of info on Monday. Sound good? Read on!

Hey, no happenings today, at all. I sent a semi-rude message to someone about my forum site so I should hear back soon on that so I can truly be good and advertise.

See you tomarrow hopefully... No medical attention today, just... I can't name it so, bye! And come back!

2006-02-02T22:02:00.000-06:00

Alright. I'm sure that I won't be posting tomarrow or Saturday so I'll summarize everything now. This may not be the last time I do this, but I'll try harder to be dedicated.

There are a few happenings for these two days such as Friday's premier of Spirited Away on Cartoon Network. This movie is my absolute favorite Anime movie! It's about a girl named Chihara who ends up working with hard labor in a bath house for spirits when her parents explore a shortcut and get turned into pigs. I can't tell you the whole storyline, but you should check it out if you didn't see it.

From here on I am writing this on Satuday, using the edit function because I'm way to pinched for time at this moment. Show Choir preformed for the first time at the Invitational and they did great! I haven't heard if the judges thought so or not yet but that will come Monday. No other happenings today or from yesterday. Now back to Friday speech!

Well, I'm sorry that I had to do this whole summarizing thing for you. Maybe I should look for medical help... As long as I'm not giving it, come back for Sunday's post. Bye!

2006-02-01T20:24:00.000-06:00

I got todays done actually quite early! Maybe I'm getting better at managing my time.... Or maybe I just left more stuff undone....

Anyways, no happenings today. Was in boresville for a little bit but only for writing the Optimist Speech and then for my third hour class. Writing a speech is never good but I think that sitting for ages with material done in class while he's showing the class how to do third grade work is just retarded. Were 8th graders and I wished he kept us that way! Nothing that counts, yet still worthy of my opinion and comments... Stay tuned for tomorrows outlook on: P.E.

That's it. I found a list of doctors that you can seek mental medical advice from if you have continued to read this everyday, so, just contact me and I'll send you it right over... Bye!

2006-01-31T21:44:00.000-06:00

I almost missed this one too! At least I try to keep it accurate... I didn't say it is, just that I'd try... Well, keep reading!

No happenings today... Hogwarts Online is still not up and I will and am forced to take actions against this. Other than that, boredom is the key word...

Alright, this post was short and sweet, well it was short. If you took my advice for medical assistance and continued to read this, please seek a second oppinion and get better help. Whatever you do, come back only if this is not hazardous health.

2006-01-30T21:34:00.000-06:00

Alright, I almost missed posting this today as it's Monday, the most evil day of the week...
There were no happenings today unless you count a particularly long and dragging Show Choir practice. I'm crew, so when the girls got their dresses and started to practice, I had to sit and do nothing. There is no totally good part about being crew unless you count the fact that you have less practicing time, nothing to memorize except crew stuff, and the high school Show Choir members holding the doors for you when you have to lug boxes in and out. (Some of them are a bit cute...)

So, after that, you got your post, and I know why I'm in Show Choir.... Did anyone actually seek my guidance for the medical assistance? Just kidding... or was I?

2006-01-29T16:22:00.000-06:00

Today being Sunday, I shall state my religion and a key verse. I will post a key verse every Sunday for my viewers that love having my personal religion stated. I am a Christian and I believe that there is one true risen lord who died for my sins on the cross and is living with me in my heart because I asked him to live in my heart. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, and whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." -John 3:16

Now that that's clear, today's happenings include one event. *News Shocker* My soccer team actually won a game! The ending result was 5-1, the most goals we have ever scored in a game. Other than that, no happenings. Hogwarts Online is still down though I am about to wring the necks of my site hoster's site hoster... (Now isn't that a tongue twister...)

Alright now. If you actually read what I just posted and have been reading these entries faithfully, I am now giving you full leave to go and seek medical and/or psyciatrical attention before you come back for tomarrow's entry... There, I've done my civic duty for the day and now I'm gone. Goodbye!

2006-01-28T15:22:00.000-06:00

I'll try to write in this everyday, but I may not be too faithful... But I am today! Happenings today include absolutely nothing. I am the Headmistress of Hogwarts Online, that's still not up due to server problems that are, for once, not caused by me, or else there might be anything going on at all today. Therefore, I will use this post to address a formal advertisement for Hogwarts Online.

50 years after Harry's graduation and 100 years after the partial destruction of Hogwarts, famed and academically gifted Mia Darkwitch gains permission by the Ministry of Magic to restart the school to educate magically gifted students once again as their parents and grandparents were once taught a long time ago. Only recently have the doors been opened again in high hopes that the parents would feel it safe to send their of-age children to the school even after what was going on before the school passed out of all memory. Are you ready for the ultimate schooling experience? If so, jump aboard the Hogwarts Express and take the chance of a lifetime.

That's basically the whole story behind the site. We need a trusted staff and our first batch of students. When it's finally up again, that is. Well, that's my entry for today. Oh, and post on the tag board respectfully as I have full power to delete your post and ban your IP address. Bye!

2006-01-27T19:06:00.000-06:00

Hello people. This is my place to write with as much sarcasm, humor, and commentarianism as I want. Just so you know, I don't sugar-coat anything at all. I will begin by saying that I fight cheerleaders that are just too annoying, girls who think they're everything, and boys who believe that girls should worship them. If you fit those categories, you better not follow this.
I will not post anything personal like names, addresses, or phone numbers and I had better not see anyone who comes here begging for them or else!

That about sums it up. If you have any questions or comments about what I just said, get over it and come back to visit sometimes!