Monday, October 19, 2009

How nieve can one person be?  And yes, this does mean that I haven't died, been hit by a large moving vehicle, or been committed... yet.  I might after today.

I just read my posts from the past and laughed.  Nieve is the least of my current problem- the shattered illusion of life is the real kicker.  Nothing predicted a year or more ago came true, in fact, it was almost like the world was trying to prove me wrong.  The Academy was the best place for me... in the beginning, but then it morphed into something else entirely.  My roommate situation ruined my life as I knew it and made me rethink my entire childhood.  Go figure- the one thing I thought I wouldn't have to worry about.  I was almost put on medicine for depression but that wasn't the best thing for me, I made the best friends of my life, and then I made the easiest decision of my life to leave them.  Of yeah- and the little thing of Academic Dishonesty helped that along.  Finally, as summer winded to a close, I had to enroll back in Troy, and just when I thought things were looking down: he called me.

When someone tells you not to do something from experience, they probably know what they're talking about.  Rooming with my consuasor was the biggest mistake of my life but maybe the best thing I've ever done at the same time.  As the year went on, our opinions began to polarize with the others; somehow we weren't relating or communicating how we wanted to.  The room was always too hot for me and always too cold for her and we were both miserable.  She also had later classes and was always sleeping when I was awake and vice versa, had different friends than I, and had an illegal pet in the room that I just wasn't thrilled about.  Plus, she kept thousands of plants around and expected me to clean up after her and the pets.  Between the crab and the trash that she never took out, the room stunk.  When I tried to bring in an air freshener she said it made her sick, but she never said it to me just kept unplugging it and telling her parents until her mom threw a fit and our RC (Residential Counselor) threw us a roommate counseling session that was more awkward staring at her than each other.  We didn't talk to each other, and it was then that I knew that we could never be friends again- especially when she said she was always afraid of me and feared for her life.  I would've died for her at one point.  That hurt.  But then I started thinking... and I realized that as best friends we kinda sucked.  Best friends are supposed to know every detail about you, but we didn't even know each other's birthdates, important other dates, favorite stuff, etc.  Anything that other best friends should be able to say about the other- I couldn't say about her, and that's when I figured it was no big loss.  Yeah, it hurt to think that nine years of friendship could mean nothing, but really...  Life only goes on when you let it.

Because of the whole friendship-loss-betrayal thing, I really didn't have anyone to turn to.  By this point I had only a handful of people to talk to since most people were closer to her than me, so I was back to square one.  Half-way through second-semester, no one wanted to let me into their group.  This was about the point that I fell into a sort of depression/comatose state where I didn't particularly care about what happened.  I even don't really remember a lot of that time, just hating myself more than usual.  That period of depression from my past was back on the forefront, ready to take me down.  I remember Kayla taking my knives away and having to petition for them every time I wanted to cook with them, but that was about it other than self hatred.  But eventually I pulled out of that crisis... to be pulled into another.

Academic Dishonesty sucks when you actually did it.  When you loaded a study guide on your calculator two months before the final, forgot to delete said study guide, loaned the calculator out to a so-called friend, and then come back after break to find out that you've been accused of cheating on the final... yeah, it really sucks.  No matter what anyone says, I'm still holding that my ex-best friend and roommate turned it in out of spite.  So, even though I appealled, I was still failed in that lab.  If I hadn't already made the decision, for the reason of girls revolting, second years leaving, and classes not applying to my intended major, I would have been kicked out.  So, instead of getting the boot, I bowed out with honor and said my goodbyes.

And now I'm stuck back in Troy for one last year addicted once again to the boy I can't and shouldn't have.  We cannot be.  Honestly, the chance of high school relationships working out in the real world suck without having me in the equation, plus we both are planning on going to different colleges.  Then why can't my raging hormones get that message?  My mind has it; I can tell myself that every day for the next year, but it won't change anything.  It probably would help if he'd stop calling, but I like talking to him.  I fight not to call him...  See how obcessed I am?  It's, again, sick how much I depend on someone to be my friend.  I do have Ana and Andrew and Kris, but I really have no one who would not talk to me for over a year and then magically reappear...

Topic change, please!  So, I was accepted to Mizzou.  Shocker, shocker...  I'm now officially a Food Science major when I graduate, and when I graduate from Troy I'll have over 50 credits for college already.  I should only have two years left, but Dr. Gruen won't send me the paper, so I have to steal one this weekend when I go.  Right now, I only have $4,000 a year paid for, but I'm working on much more, hoping to get some good money and have at least half of yearly paid off so that I don't have to have too many loans.  Oh well, a girl can dream.

So last, but certainly not least, I am one caress away from finishing my novel...  Yes, I finished it almost a year ago, but it needed some editing and bolstering.  Now, it is a totally different beast than it began my freshman year and I am proud of it.  My novel talks about a lot of different things, serious and not, that are very exaggerated, but a representation of what I see and feel from the people around me.  Somehow, it started out being bright and open, and now it has depth and meaning.  Soon, I'm sending off for a proof copy that will look much like the one that I will someday hope to publish.

So, in light of a recent mental break, that is all I have to say.  I've always had something rather witty to say here, but I'm just a bit empty right now.  I have a future and a life but something is still missing.  Trust no one, love no one, lose no one.  That's the ticket.

Rai Hikari lost her dreams at 5:02 PM

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