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name: Rai Hikari
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Rai Hikari lost her dreams at 10:43 PM
Alright, object of excitement one: I passed my first semester at the Academy with a 3.0 GPA. I had some hard teacher, so I didn't do so well... but I do hope for a better next semester. I absolutely love the Academy life and I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. I live on a floor with at least thirty other girls and on a wing of eighteen others and an RC, and I still love living there. Over the past semester, we all have grown as a family, and it's a pleasant thought. Our RC wasn't the greatest at first, so we had to bond really quick to get by; instead of going to our beloved adult on wing, we learned to talk to each other and deal with our problems alone. However, when our RC finally managed to work out better with us and for us, she decided to quit and move out, leaving us with some new chick that we don't really know... Joy. Other than that, it's really fun to live with so many other people who are culturally and socially diverse- that's saying something considering I hate people... First off, there are the Koreans. Really, there are only a few on my floor, but one of the guys are hot... Maybe two. XD Anyway, the Academy is a great place to be and I'm glad I finally got there and stuck it out. I honestly don't even miss my family much because I've adjusted so well to life there... Vacation now is starting to suck because I miss the crazy girls that live with me and how much they make me feel like an acceptable person.
And speaking of a respectable person, I have my personal summary of myself. Joy, oh joy! I had my first meeting with a shrink, and it was... GREAT! I took this test of college adjustment at the beginning of the semester that's meant for eighteen year olds, and I just finally got my time with Dr. Bob. We went over my scores together, and surprising enough it fit me really well and I have an opportunity to get the help I really need... First he went over random things like Alcohol use and happiness (No use and decent happiness,) before he really got going. He talked about my maturity next. On the scale for older students, sixteen year olds should score in the bottom middle section or the very bottom, but I scored at the top of the scale. He told me, and no joke, that I apparently had to grow up fast because of life experiences that I learned from. No joke. He also said that I seemed to have family issues with my brother and the way I am viewed from my mom while also having underlying father issues dealing with abandonment from when I was little... Wow... Someone give him a prize- correct! He then followed it with saying that I was too mature for my own good, and that I was still only sixteen going on seventeen and I should act like it. When I left, he handed me anger management papers for my brother because he said from my answers I was seen as an authority figure and he would listen to me best along with a paper describing various self-esteem issues. He pointed out that I fit into the emotional perfectionist category, meaning that I don't think I should feel the things that I feel and I make myself feel inferior when I feel things and hide my true thoughts and emotions. Heavy, huh? Now he wants to see me a few times next semester.
Am I pathetic for wanting a hug from someone I'll never see again? Absence really does make the heart grow fonder, I guess. I miss him totally and completely and he's disappeared from the face of the planet... Remember last year when I talked about the one person who wanted me to suck it up and live for myself? He was my saving grace and he really liked me, but now he has disappeared- and now that I'm home, I miss him. A lot. I want him to smile at me, and tell me I still matter- and laugh with me, and have lunch with me, and exist with me. Pathetic, huh? I want him to hug me, because he is kind, nice, smart, funny, and t unbelievable sexy when he doesn't try. He's also borderline gay, but I want him to think of me and only me and like me. I want to be loved by someone... I want my friend back! I'm just going to call him or storm his house or something... I want to talk to him and find out if he's still alive even... He was still enrolled at Troy but he disappeared and never showed up for classes... He was depressed a lot last year and said his dad wasn't nice to him... He either moved in with another family member, dropped out of school, or killed himself- I pray it's not the last one, but I just want to know. I want closure. I want peace and happiness for both of us... Ugh...
And that's my dilemma. I wrote a note on Facebook at the beginning of the semester telling people of Troy that I was done with them and their hurtful ways, but I didn't really realize that maybe I really was cared about here. I got mauled when I came home by multiple old friends, so maybe life really wasn't so bad with them? I want to think I wasn't valued here to make leaving seem better, but was I just deluding myself? Maybe I needed to go away to see how much I was cared about... I am human, and I just want to be loved by more than my family. I want a boyfriend to tell me that I matter and that I'm not a loss for the world... I want someone to see me through my troubles as I help them through theirs. I want to be helpful t omore than just myself.
I finished my novel, so the mood brightens for that. Finally. I can complete something! I AM NOT THAT WORTHLESS! Maybe a little, but not too much. I hope to get lots of people to read it and then get it published in the next year while working on another book. However, I don't want to make anything else into crap, so I won't push it too hard. I want to get ahead in life- I just don't know how to do so.
Yep, I finally got another post in. Merry Christmas, Joyeux Noel. I'm making a good step to regain a sense of self, but it takes time. It takes work and people skills. It takes your whole self. I am just glad that I got a second chance to prove I exist... Trust no one, love no one, lose no one. Maybe it's finally started working?