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name: Rai Hikari
starsign: Aquarius
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Rai Hikari lost her dreams at 9:22 PM
First off, I made it into the Missouri Academy. So did my best friend in the world. As if her luck could get any worse, we're now roommates. I can hardly keep myself together unless I am alone and typing away my fears, so how will I keep such a darkness hidden if we live together? I've begun to have dark thoughts at night over topics I cannot elaborate on, but they haunt me more than anything else in the world. I rarely admit to a fear past a medical basis, but I am afraid that I'll scare everyone away next year. My teachers are all good teachers for next year, and my schedule is moderately okay. What I'm not looking forward to are the other kids there with me. I fear I won't connect with any of them like I do with the people at school. What if I'm hated the whole two years? Can I exist in solitude? It's not like I don't have practice.
I have not spoken to anyone from school besides Amanda and Alexis since May. I even see people at work and none speak to me. I saw another at Walmart just today and she barely managed a wave; she was one who said she would miss me. I doubt anyone will even remember I existed in time... I'm seriously considering cutting myself off completely and not caring the consequences. My only tie is the story I am missing and hoping to get back eventually, and after that, I will do what is best for everyone and surrender to my future.
I don't even know what I want to be anymore. I can't write to save my life, I'm not sure weither or not I want to be a pharmacist or a food scientist because both intrigue me. I love cooking, and I don't know what I'm going to do next year without it. Same goes for band. I can't join a band until the second semester, but can I go that long without playing? Choir I can join in the first place, but what if I need more? Why do I always need more? It's because I've never operated on my own before. I've always had people to help me stand. Won't this be an eye-opening experience?
I left a note on Facebook for my high school friends. One person asked me if I was okay and wondered if I was really cutting myself off from them. One. Pathetic, eh? Not really- I didn't expect anyone to. How could they? The ones I wrote it to should feel guilty and should stay away until they have reason to come closer. I don't want to hate them, I don't, but I just feel so different and out of place with them. I went to school to get my schedule and I ran into S and Ana. They didn't care that I wasn't there with them. They didn't care that they probably won't EVER see me again besides on graduation. But think about it? How many times have I left school as fast as possible to get to my car to drown in my music? Millions. Has anyone ever come over and asked if I was alright? Nope. DId I care? At first I did, but I got so numb that it didn't matter anymore. I got used to the pain that everyone caused me and I grew stronger. Troy Buchanan will always signify pain now when I walk through the doors, but I'm not lost anymore.
Troy helped me find that. But there are others ways to kill your soul besides dying on the inside... Trust no one, love no one, lose no one. I trusted so little, and I was still betrayed by all f the people I did, save one. I cannot love anyone when I do not see the worth of my own self. I have lost nothing I did not have to begin with except myself. Looks like the mantra worked.