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name: Rai Hikari
starsign: Aquarius
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Rai Hikari lost her dreams at 11:35 AM
V-Day brings about the best and worst in guys and girls. I celebrate Singles Awareness Day because I've never really had a real boyfriend. Valentine's Day is the most masochistic and depressing holiday for all involved. Couples are forced to spend money and time on each other while the singles sit at home wondering what it would be like to be treasured by someone else. It's depressing to sit alone and unloved. All the guys around me are taken, out-of-reach, or gay anyway, so I really have no hope.
I'm tired of putting on a facade every morning to rush to school and die more inside. I feel like no one gets me except my consuasor, and I know that isn't true. Two of my friends are depressed and another is hiding it. One is the person that I worry about all the time, but more about him later. The other two shouldn't be depressed, but that hasn't stopped them. The one is depressed because the other stopped being friends with her and she doesn't know how to act. Her friends are all coming to her for problems now, and she can't handle them like I've learned to work with them. it's too much stress and she's starting to crack. The other is most likely depressed because the other girl told her that she wasn't going to be friends with her. She hides is, but I can mostly feel the pain and hurt from all of them.
The first is a boy that I'm worried about all the time. He skipped school on Friday for an unknown reason, to us of course, and it made me a little anxious all day. The night before he was fine because I took him home after band, but then he didn't come to school and it worried me- did he do something stupid? Did something happen? I won't admit it to anyone, but he's the one person I almost look to for comfort. I got a "C" on a Geometry test, and he's the one person who would have told me that it was okay. he wasn't there, so he couldn't. That made me more anxious and I couldn't sit still for the entire hour after lunch. It bothers me that one person can have such an effect on me.
Anyway, I don't think I'll ever be able to do get into the MA, much less succeed enough to stay in it... I'm not even smart enough to write the essays- there's no way that I'd be able to get a high enough score to stay in the program. They said this weekend that it was harder to stay in the program than to get in it- I can't even write the stuff to get into it. On top of that, I have to take a College Algebra class because my math PLAN score isn't high enough, but I can't even make it through the Geometry class that I'm taking now. I can't do this! I can't even imagine finishing these essays anytime soon because every time I start working on it all of the words that I want to say are gone. I can't write something that has this much bearing in my life in five minutes... Nothing sounds good enough to work, so I'm not getting enough done. Mom's going to kill me for not being able to do it- but I just can't...
I wish I was born a slacker. Then it wouldn't matter that I couldn't get into a smart program and that I got a "C" on a test. I wouldn't beat myself up all the time for not being good enough at doing anything because I wouldn't know any different. I'm not bright at all- I really can't do this anymore. Maybe I'm not smart enough for this program... I have to do it, but it's just not a realistic goal anymore... Neither is living like this.
I don't know what to do. My heart and my head are all mixed up and there's nothing that I can do to fix it. I've become lost because I haven't followed my mantra very well. I let too many people get to me... Trust no one, love no one, lose no one. Yeah- if only, if only...