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name: Rai Hikari
starsign: Aquarius
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Rai Hikari lost her dreams at 2:08 AM
Number one- I have realized that without sleep I am crabby, crazy, and narcoleptic. Crabby- yes. There is a reason why I like driving to school. It makes me take time to myself to make sure I don't have to hurt anyone in the mornings... I can listen to my music and talk to myself all I want until I get to school- by then I'm calm and awake.
Crazy- unfortunately yes. Crazy for me is unable to manage my emotions. Yikes... My biggest problem are the emotions that I struggle to hide. Er- rather the ones that I try to hide but never actually manage to do so with. Crazy is as crazy does I suppose.... Narcoleptic. I haven't been able to sleep. That's how I became crazy- the lack of sleep is the lack of mental healing after the day. On an average day, everyone is bombarded by thoughts that they don't want to have and by annoying people who bother you enough. Headaches, backaches- mostly pains such as that are mental signs of stress. Your body then makes you sleep to heal the mental damage of each day. Insomniacs go crazy from the strain and lack of healing time. Enough said?
Secretly, I look to my advisor for everything. She is more confident in herself and stronger than I will ever be- I just look to ever having a fraction of what she holds in a natural way. Or so I thought. Maybe I'm putting her on a pedestal because I can't stand to see myself in a better light? It turns out- we all feel the same way. All of us try to hold it all in- never cry in front of people, never show signs of weakness. We cannot be weak. To be weak is to betray ourselves. That being said- we fake being strong and together. I'm starting to get that everyone is hurting inside- including the very people who are my support.
If I could ever tell them that they keep me going... No- I. Will. Not. Be. Weak. Never again. I look to one for strength. Another for courage. Another to be social. Yet another to be sane. While the last keeps me yearning for another day just by wanting to see him. The only thing I bring to the mix is my self-doubt and negativity. I am surrounded by tall skinny people while I am short and fat. Great. There is a reason I feel fat all the time. This is the only place that I can admit this because at school I am threatened and smacked for voicing my concern. We were eating dinner before pep band and the two people around me had fast food and I had the lowest calorie meal from Quiznos. All I could think of was how much of a porker I was to be stuffing my face in front of people. I want to be able to eat real food again, but I can never truely enjoy what I eat because I always think of the impact of cheating. This brings on my emotional eating habit and bam- the cycle continues until I'm the size of a planet.
Crazy takes on a new meaning in my life for the past few days. I had a dream that I was staring at my bedroom ceiling and I fell asleep on the bus to the pep band game without realizing that I had fallen asleep... I also can't get this one certain person out of my mind. I think about him constantly- though that could be because he's always around. I find myself looking forward to seeing him every day, but no one should have this much power over me... My craziest thought by far: I can't quit think about how sexy it is when he absentmindedly pushes his glasses back in place. I can always pick him out of a crowd, but we can never be. There will never be a "we". It's driving me mad being this close and not being able to manage myself! Taunting me with forbidden fruit. I've only told one person this because I told her that I couldn't even begin to imagine what he goes through at home. Sometimes, when I drop him off at his house, he ends up walking all the way around his house and I feel bad that he doesn't have a key or anything because it's cold! Cold- pep band last night was a very interesting thing. It was only 10 degrees outside, so I was naturally freezing. We get onto the bus home and his seat gets taken up by one of the drummers, so he decided to sit with me. What did I tell you? Taunting me! As I sat there shivering, he took his coat off and said that he was fine. I was so not going to have him sick because of me. No friggin way. I told him to put it back on. He said no. Finally I told him that he had to put his coat back on because he was making me colder to see him sitting there and he put his coat back on as he laughed at me. I think he was putting on a brave front in an attempt to look better in my eyes. He was obviously cold- and it must be a male ego thing- but he wouldn't admit it! Later he mumbled that he should've brought the blanket that he was going to bring so I could've used it. That was just so sweet.... I don't get it! Why would anyone be nice to me?
I mean nothing. I could die right now and no one would care that I was gone. Even if they did, I'd soon be forgotten in about a day or two... I'm really not that special. My hair sucks, I'm fat, have no work ethic, am an emotional eater, constantly depressed, fat face, no metabolism to speak of, gigantic feet, and no curves at all. I'm just a friggin blob... I'm not as good at the computer as Amanda, I can't code like my Iowa friend Michael, I can't make friends like Ana and Alexis, and I can't get a boyfriend like Shelby. I'm basically a failure at life. Wow.... Interesting comment of course since I'll most likely crack soon from the stress of my life and run screaming from the school building after realizing that no one cares about me and failing all of my classes because I'm not smart enough. They commit me, I take normal drugs like any crazie, and life is perfect for those around me. Some days I think that it would have been better for everyone involved if I had never moved here in the first place. Actually, most days I'm pretty sure of that. I wouldn't be pushing random guys past their comfort points, I wouldn't be causing female dissent through the girls, and I wouldn't be holding my best friend in the universe back. She could be so much more without me... Everyone could.
I'm tired of holding everyone back. I'm tired of feeling every negative emotion possible. I'm tired of looking forward to a guy that I'll never have. I like him for who he is- but he doesn't know who he is. He's completely nieve at how amazing he really is... He has no clue that he's driving me insane... I hide it well from him. Except for my new talent of blushing all the time in front of him.... I'm not embarrassed for thinking what I do- I blush because I don't want anyone to know how much power a single person has over me. I don't want anyone to know about this confusion because I have to be the rock for those around me. I can't really even support myself, but this takes focus away from the life I lead already... I wish he'd tell me how he feels about me- or at the very least let me know why he hangs around with me. What draws people to me? Why do they care or even seem to care? I hate their false affection. Their forced pity. Pity is for the weak and I will never be weak. Never.
So... I've now put just about every word of my social demise into this little box. The keys on my keyboard are warm from use, but that comforts me. Like the picture on my camera of all of us from pep band. He's in the picture too. Next to me: the very large planet-sized one... I am empty. I am worthless. I am useless. Can I run to my mantra again?
Trust no one. Love no one. Lose no one.
If that's true- then why am losing myself?
Rai Hikari lost her dreams at 11:35 AM
V-Day brings about the best and worst in guys and girls. I celebrate Singles Awareness Day because I've never really had a real boyfriend. Valentine's Day is the most masochistic and depressing holiday for all involved. Couples are forced to spend money and time on each other while the singles sit at home wondering what it would be like to be treasured by someone else. It's depressing to sit alone and unloved. All the guys around me are taken, out-of-reach, or gay anyway, so I really have no hope.
I'm tired of putting on a facade every morning to rush to school and die more inside. I feel like no one gets me except my consuasor, and I know that isn't true. Two of my friends are depressed and another is hiding it. One is the person that I worry about all the time, but more about him later. The other two shouldn't be depressed, but that hasn't stopped them. The one is depressed because the other stopped being friends with her and she doesn't know how to act. Her friends are all coming to her for problems now, and she can't handle them like I've learned to work with them. it's too much stress and she's starting to crack. The other is most likely depressed because the other girl told her that she wasn't going to be friends with her. She hides is, but I can mostly feel the pain and hurt from all of them.
The first is a boy that I'm worried about all the time. He skipped school on Friday for an unknown reason, to us of course, and it made me a little anxious all day. The night before he was fine because I took him home after band, but then he didn't come to school and it worried me- did he do something stupid? Did something happen? I won't admit it to anyone, but he's the one person I almost look to for comfort. I got a "C" on a Geometry test, and he's the one person who would have told me that it was okay. he wasn't there, so he couldn't. That made me more anxious and I couldn't sit still for the entire hour after lunch. It bothers me that one person can have such an effect on me.
Anyway, I don't think I'll ever be able to do get into the MA, much less succeed enough to stay in it... I'm not even smart enough to write the essays- there's no way that I'd be able to get a high enough score to stay in the program. They said this weekend that it was harder to stay in the program than to get in it- I can't even write the stuff to get into it. On top of that, I have to take a College Algebra class because my math PLAN score isn't high enough, but I can't even make it through the Geometry class that I'm taking now. I can't do this! I can't even imagine finishing these essays anytime soon because every time I start working on it all of the words that I want to say are gone. I can't write something that has this much bearing in my life in five minutes... Nothing sounds good enough to work, so I'm not getting enough done. Mom's going to kill me for not being able to do it- but I just can't...
I wish I was born a slacker. Then it wouldn't matter that I couldn't get into a smart program and that I got a "C" on a test. I wouldn't beat myself up all the time for not being good enough at doing anything because I wouldn't know any different. I'm not bright at all- I really can't do this anymore. Maybe I'm not smart enough for this program... I have to do it, but it's just not a realistic goal anymore... Neither is living like this.
I don't know what to do. My heart and my head are all mixed up and there's nothing that I can do to fix it. I've become lost because I haven't followed my mantra very well. I let too many people get to me... Trust no one, love no one, lose no one. Yeah- if only, if only...