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name: Rai Hikari
starsign: Aquarius
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Rai Hikari lost her dreams at 4:03 PM
Bipolar friends. Do you have one? They're really fun when they're in a great mood, but the drop of a pin they just get cranky. The ever-lovable X is one of those people I just mentioned. She speaking to me again, but I'm not sure why... I never explained the situation to her, and she never apoligized; however, all has supposedly been forgotten. It bugs the living daylight out of me. Secretly, all of my friends can go to hell because I can't stand anyone except myself. And even that's on a day-to-day basis...
I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. The guys at school are driving me insane. I've been talking to this one guy a lot at school who might be going to the Academy next year with me, and he always wants to talk to me to arrange stuff and to talk about our weekends. I think I only see him as a friend- but I can't decide if it's the same for him... The other guy is just as bad! Some days he's always THERE the second you turn around. He always talks to me and walks with me to classes. He'll smile at me and wish me luck in class, while fighting to sit behind me in another class. Other days he'll sort-of ignore me like not walking to classes or wanting to talk to me. He's not sure of his sexuality, so does he like me most days and then like another boy the other ones? I told you that the guys I know are crazy. When the second one smiles, he's actually kind-of sweet. He's the one that I'm worried about too because he told me in a note that he's too afraid to kill himself, but he thinks about it sometimes. Come to think of it- he's an inner cutter too. We would make a great pair... Wow... I worry for him- unlike me who knows that I'm just a big talker and no serious threats to my life, but he might go all they way....
That leads me to my next point. Myself. I'm sick- been sick all week- so I haven't had much energy to hate myself. Today, I took a Dayquil and felt well enough to talk myself down. This resulted in my consuasor threatening to smack me so I dodged her. Boy two from above caught up with me and talked to me until he had to go to class- leaving with his sad smile. Back to the stuff above- Last year I met someone at school who really helped me to rethink my life and find a real reason to go on everyday. He was relatively emo, but he was open with everyone and talked to everyone. At one point he said I was too quiet, so he sang to me with a surprisingly awesome voice. After, he told me to give him a hug and that he would kiss me but he was engaged. Later in the year, his fiancee broke up with him and he made sure that he didn't cry in front of anyone except for the guys in choir. Basically, he showed me that life is only good if you're in it. Someone has to be that person for my friend. I don't know if I can, but he needs to see that simple truth. I want to give him a hug and let him sob it out or know that someone out there cares. It's the same thing that I would offer to each of my friends if they would only take it up with me. He needs it more than anyone else right now.
I'm worried about another person. It's weird to say that, but I think about this a lot. I want to save someone because I want to give back to the person who saved me. This is the closest I can get to repaying the kind soul. He graduated last year. Now if I could only live with myself...