and i wonder where these dreams go, when the world gets in your way

Monday, January 14, 2008

Been an interesting month. Most of mine are, but this one is the weirdest by far. Realized two things: my friends really do trust me to solve their problems, and that I really need to leave this place more than ever before.

For the first one: this has caused me enormous trouble in just the past two weeks. First, one friend, I'm calling her E, was crying so I ask her why and she says that the other girl, who I'm calling X, is talking bad about her and blaming her life problems on her. I ask the other girl for her side of it, and all she tells me is that I always give E my support and that I never listen to her side of it. Never said that I wouldn't hear her out- I would have more respect for her if she came to me and told me how she thinks it all went down, but no- of course she won't. X skips school because she missed her bus; and, though I know it's none of my business and it wasn't then either, I told her that if she missed school she couldn't be at band that night. She told me to f-off. Later, she came into the room and told E that she's the one spreading things about her and that if we wanted to play dumb we could all just f-ing go away; she shouts, "f-you," and then storms out of the band room in tears. Secretly, I'd already formed a boycott of her, but if she would have asked me about it like a person I would have either disbanded it or changed it to whoever needed the hate next. Nope, X harrasses a few of the boycott pushovers and goes home crying thinking that no one likes her. If she would talk to us we never would have had the problem in the first place. Now she's randomly moving, but she's still here acting all pissy... Again, we could work things out, but I'm officially washing my hands of this particular thing as I type- though not literally because that might short circuit my keyboard.

My second thing for the first realization, might I say even bigger, people have been telling me left and right that they aren't straight. None of the guys around me are straight! One of my close guy friends dropped me a note saying that he's confused about his orientation. Wonderful. Just what I wanted to go to sleep to- that thought bouncing in my head. Thanks, dude! Isn't everyone at this age confused? I'm called a lesbian daily, some joking and some not, but I'm not really that confused. When I think of someone who's hot- I don't see my best female friend- I see Kaname from Vampire Knight or even Merrick from my story. Now he's hot because I made him and deemed him hot... Orlando Bloom follows VERY close behind. Anyway, why does everyone think to tell me? Do they just trust me that much? Do they value my advice? My life is obviously so good that I didn't even know it? Right- and I'm the crazy one. What do I tell him? I told him never to try being something that he's not. Just because someone says you're gay or a lesbian doesn't make you one. I can hate the male gender for weeks, but that doesn't make me want to kiss girls. It just doesn't. I just stay away from the pathetic excuses of lifeforms until one impresses me enough to return to a more human way of life. It's not like I have any experience either- have they all seen my previous exes?

As for getting away, I just know that I'm at my wit's end to get away from here. College. I can leave the house and be with my consuasor in a room where she can calm me down and help me feel needed somewhere. My dad is my closest parent because he treats me like a real person. My mom lets my brother lay around all the time and not do anything, but dad makes sure that everyone does the same amount of work. My brother has ADHD, so it's all 'well your brother can't help acting the way he does and you should be thanking the stars that you don't have to deal with that." Should I tell my mom that some times I wish on my lucky stars that I did have that so wouldn't have to run this house all the time? Nope- I get pissy and I get smacked. He get's pissy and he gets 'a milkshake to raise his blood sugar.' I hate myself for a moment in front of my family, and I get smacked. He acts down on himself and gets a better bipolar medicine that he doesn't take even though it would help him. If I had a chance not to be like this, I would take it! I wouldn't toss the pills like they were trash- maybe I'd be able to function better on a daily basis. I can't even be myself at home. I take long showers just so I can turn the water on to cover up the sound of crying. I can't cry in front of my family because that makes me weak- what if that just means that I have feelings too? I reach for food as a comfort, so I'm fat because I take all these feelings in and I never get a chance to release them. In college, I can warn my friend that I'm feeling terrible and she'll understand or leave the room so I don't have to cry in the cover of darkness. My dad knows that the decision for my brother to live with him is up for grabs as long as he agrees, so he's trying to talk to him all the time and bribe him into staying with him. He's talked to him so much that he's forgotten all about me. I miss him so much, and he doesn't even care a bit that my big 16th is coming up soon and I'd like him to come here for it. I don't want anything from him except for him to come and see me for my birthday. Nope- too much to ask...

I still don't feel like I belong. Everyone has this bright cheery face that they put on everyday, but it's not even a mask. That's them- genuine happiness and love. I've never had anyone to love, not really. I know that someone is out there for me and you usually find your true love in college, but what if I'm destined for someone in my school but they don't even know me. There's a lot of what-ifs going around, but what if I really am not meant to be with anyone? What if my true destiny is to live in a house with my friend, both of us single, and have millions of cats running around? What if I never succeed in doing anything in my life and I live a failure? What if that's my destiny? What if?

I haven't mentioned this yet- at least I'm pretty sure that I haven't. I was invited to apply for the Missouri Academy of Math, Science, and Computers. This is a two year pre-college program to get your Associate of Sciences degree along with your high school diploma. It's for students who are always bored in class and aren't challenged enough in their home school setting. You live at this school that is five blissful hours away from my home and you can choose the person you live with. Four or five people from school are applying and four of us will definitely get in. If I get in this will be a godsend to get me away from the people at school adn the drama at home. I can ignore phone calls all I want and no one can stop me... To bad no one would care.

I'm done ranting for tonight- I do feel a lot better, so I'm glad that I took a visit to my blog buddy. Thanks for, uh, listening... X, this post was not to slam you but merely to make you think of things on my side without actually having to speak to you. Sorry if this just makes it worse, but you were the one who wanted to know me better. Bye.

Rai Hikari lost her dreams at 7:11 PM

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