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name: Rai Hikari
starsign: Aquarius
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Rai Hikari lost her dreams at 11:28 PM
I'm okay with people for taking opportunities away from me or deciding that they hate me because of something that they think, but I can deal with it when it's my fault that I lose it. Yes, the breakup was partially not my fault, but I still feel terrible for it. His fault: He's only straight when he's sober, and that isn't very often. My fault: I couldn't be enough of a person for him to feel anything towards me for the time that he was sober. It's enough to make anyone doubt themself.
So now I'm alone and totally unlovable. I can't stay manic for more than ten minutes anymore, and my friends are starting to notice. I have to be stronger than this! If I'm not who and what they think of me as- I can't think about the consequences of that... I consoled two people this week, but it was very hard. I couldn't even feel the remorse that they needed from me, but I faked it enough to make them feel better. I wish I could let these feelings out that build-up in my head and actually have someone that truely values all of me to comfort me. I'm not enough of a feeling person anymore to have a boyfriend, and I'm not special.
I have two redeeming qualities: I'm pretty smart academically, and I can sing. That is the only reason that anyone from the male gender even speaks to me for- they either want my help or they tell me that I can sing well and need to be louder for the concert that they are in as well. Nothing else. No one's alterior motive is just to be close to me or to show that they really care for me. No one. I feel lost every second that I walk through the hallways alone and see every couple kissing or jugging because they are happy. I will never have that!
My carefully kept journal has taught me many things about myself because I could not moderate the very words that flew from my mind and onto that page. Everything happens for a reason, so I'm making a summary of what November helped me to find out about life: I have learned that you have to love yourself to even dream about loving another- there is no love at first sight. I realized that you must be more careful and less trusting of those that you call your friends because everyone will betray you eventually. I've decided that I'll be fat forever, and all the dieting in the world is not going to change that fact- I'll feel awkward about that for the rest of my life. Having feelings and emotions does not help you, in fact, it only hurts you in the end when you can feel only pain from others. When an energy drink equals an anti-depressant, there will not be very good end results from it... Enough said there... All I bring to the world is hatred and despair because the little things that are seen from me do not bring happiness- not anymore. When you become numb, the pain will come back even worse and tear your heart apart. I deserve nothing from my life that has been given to me, nothing is ever given freely, and no one ever sees that special light in someone forever- it all wears off in the infatuation. Pay more attention to your friends because they always know what their talking about... Seriously! One of mine can predict the sexual preferences of guys- Creepy! There are two kinds of cutters: One that is outer and one that is inner- and even if you don't cut your skin, you're still a cutter if you cut away your insides to see if you still can feel pain other than someone else's.
I really am trying to like myself- but I don't see the redeeming qualities... Why do any of my friends hang around me? How can they expect me to help them with their problems if I can't sort out my own? Why can't I sort out my own problems? Supposedly everyone around me thinks that this guy likes me whos in several of my classes and at both lunches. If that's true- why? What can he possibly see in me? And the biggest question of all- if he's masquerading in some of my dreams at night, do I like him or not? Maybe I do, but I don't know why except for the fact that he's nice to me and worries about me more than I do. He's seen me be like this, and I think that he really sees through the facade that I put up for most of my friends... He knows how I feel, and he tries to make me feel better. I'm just so friggin confused about all of this, and I don't know if I have enough of me left to give to someone else. I am a monster, quite literally, I can just hide it better. This really isn't going to work...
So, yeah... If you were looking for an uplifting post- Sorry, I don't do those. If you're really actually reading this- yes, I know the spammers are at least viewing this- then you may actually need more help than I do... Hope you have a great rest of the week, and I'll try to post again on Saturday. Bye!