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lost dreams

name: Rai Hikari
starsign: Aquarius

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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I, uh, guess we're dating now? He didn't speak a word to me today, but I don't think he ever saw me... I went to talk to Allie and ask about my story, and his sister is in her first hour class, so she talked to me while I was talking to Allie. She asked if we were dating, and I told her that I hadn't talked to him yet- but I thought so. He told her that we were dating, so my day started out alright.

I obviously haven't been eating enough, so I've been lightheaded all day. Being dizzy all day makes you start to hate yourself, but not today. I was actually nice to myself all day because I've realized that for the first time since the end of third grade- I belonged somewhere. I belonged with someone.

I guess what I mean to say is that I can adore him from a distance because I don't have his phone number, and I know that he won't call me this weekend. You know what? I think I can handle it now too... I have time to restrain myself, and I know that for all purposes right now I have nothing really to worry about... I'm safe- I belong. I am at peace with myself for right now.

Rai Hikari lost her dreams at 7:10 PM

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Monday, November 19, 2007

I must be the world's worst avoider... I went to school this morning with the intention of ignoring my crush, but the second I passed him I was given a note. A note! He wrote me a poem... and asked me out at the same time.

I really like him, but I don't like myself eough. I almost passed out this morning because I was hyperventailating over this- I even saw the black spots in front of my vision when I stood up in class. I can't believe that someone like him could like someone like me- I don't deserve him. I love him. Love? That's a deep word, but it's how I feel...

At musical this weekend, Beauty and the Beast of course, the girls all decided that there's no truth behind love at first sight. You don't see someone and love them- that's infatuation. You can only love a person when you know their quirks, thoughts, and hates... When you can think about them and know them for more than appearance, then you have love. I have talked to him, and so I really do know him. I love him? I love him.

It's high school, and I'm leaving next year, so I have too high of expectations for this relationship- don't I? I really hope that this'll work, and we have so much in common... If he'd stop avoiding me like the plague, then I'd be happy... I'm trying to like myself this week so I can see why he likes me. I'm going to work really hard to be the best me that I can be, and I'm going to try hard to be what he deserves... He doesn't deserve me, but I'm going to work hard enough to get close.

Rai Hikari lost her dreams at 6:37 PM

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Wednesday, November 14, 2007

This week has been the worst week I think that I've ever suffered through. Last week did come in second, though, when I told the guy I liked- well, that I liked him. That was Wednesday of last week, and he hasn't talk to me since except to say random things like we were doing before. It's what I don't see and what he doesn't tell me that makes it terrible news.

I hate myself, and those who've read the stuff I've always posted already know that. Fortunately, he likes me back- but why? I can't even find a reason to like myself, so how can he? He won't tell me how he feels because he likes me enough to want to be friends longer than the relationship would possibly last. We haven't been talking like friends lately- I haven't really spoken to him since Wednesday, and that wasn't very long. I want to have long conversations with him like I used to in summer school. I want him to be more than just my friend. I need someone to tell me that there's a reason to go to school tomorrow- to wake up and walk into the school.

Our friendship can't last much longer anyway. I may be going to a college program next year in a school five hours away, and I know that everyone that I'm friends with will find other people to talk to and forget all about me. Even him- especially if you like someone. To love someone you have to let them go... I just can't stop seeing his face dancing behind my eyelids... I wish he would ask me out. I would say yes, anytime and anywhere. I love him.

Rai Hikari lost her dreams at 3:29 PM

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